reversion

3.5 months

With the relentless, constant sickness, I feel myself reverting to childhood. I want to eat the foods I liked as a child, spaghettios and macaroni and cheese. I want to watch the movies I used to watch. I can sleep all the time. I want to talk to my parents every day. Every dream takes place in my childhood house. I want to spend time in the kinds of places I loved, woods and fields. I want to go sledding.
E asks me if I am excited or anxious or both. I tell her I am neither. That I am not much of anything other than annoyed. Not surprised, she tells me I will be one of those women who won't fall in love until after it is born, and I wonder if it will be even then.
They all try to console me about the loss of my creativity. J says I should just let myself slip into a hibernation of observing and absorbing. M says blame hormones. But it doesn't matter whats to blame. Its unbearable either way.