People who are just now in the process of getting to know me are actually meeting someone else. I imagine the stuttering professor who runs into things, knocks things over, moves slowly, whose mind goes blank. If asked to describe me they might use adjectives like "clumsy, low energy, scattered..."
I never thought of myself as graceful, but looking back, I realize it may have been a fair descriptor. I have added "grace" to the list of things I will be grateful to ever get back. Grace, room enough in my stomach for a bowl of pasta, abs, motivation...
I think about how physical mannerisms play a part when we assemble a snapshot of someone's personality. The way they walk, sit, move are as much a part of that snapshot as the things they say. I used to think of my body as separate from my mind and my actions. But the connections are inseparable. My mind can't carry on in its usual creative snowball when distracted by constant discomfort and confusion.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
backwards
6 months
Backwards progress. As the baby progresses, I lose things. Like this yoga dvd. Normally when you do something a lot you see progress. Results. Improvement. But now, the same moves just get harder every week.
At first i thought it was funny that i couldn't put on my boots the old way (knee to chest) but it has lost its humor. It just pisses me off now. I guess I should try to like the challenge of puzzling out new ways to do things like put on boots. But I still get mad. Feeling more trapped in body, stuck in my skin, most days thinking, that's it. I'm done, I can't do this anymore. I think the kid wants out too. He never stops squirming.
3 months to go and now looking unquestionably pregnant. I put up a wall when I"m teaching. trying to pretend its not down there. Occasionally seeing students eyes staring at my stomach, and it breaks the spell.
Still have moments of: Ok, I changed my mind. Force quit. But no. No turning back.
I am disoriented over the unoriginality of all this. How can it seem so completely strange and crazy, when over 40% of all humans do it. The two ends are as far apart as anything I can conceptualize.
Backwards progress. As the baby progresses, I lose things. Like this yoga dvd. Normally when you do something a lot you see progress. Results. Improvement. But now, the same moves just get harder every week.
At first i thought it was funny that i couldn't put on my boots the old way (knee to chest) but it has lost its humor. It just pisses me off now. I guess I should try to like the challenge of puzzling out new ways to do things like put on boots. But I still get mad. Feeling more trapped in body, stuck in my skin, most days thinking, that's it. I'm done, I can't do this anymore. I think the kid wants out too. He never stops squirming.
3 months to go and now looking unquestionably pregnant. I put up a wall when I"m teaching. trying to pretend its not down there. Occasionally seeing students eyes staring at my stomach, and it breaks the spell.
Still have moments of: Ok, I changed my mind. Force quit. But no. No turning back.
I am disoriented over the unoriginality of all this. How can it seem so completely strange and crazy, when over 40% of all humans do it. The two ends are as far apart as anything I can conceptualize.
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