backwards

6 months 

Backwards progress. As the baby progresses, I lose things. Like this yoga dvd. Normally when you do something a lot you see progress. Results. Improvement. But now, the same moves just get harder every week.

At first i thought it was funny that i couldn't put on my boots the old way (knee to chest) but it has lost its humor. It just pisses me off now. I guess I should try to like the challenge of puzzling out new ways to do things like put on boots. But I still get mad. Feeling more trapped in body, stuck in my skin, most days thinking, that's it. I'm done, I can't do this anymore. I think the kid wants out too. He never stops squirming.

3 months to go and now looking unquestionably pregnant. I put up a wall when I"m teaching. trying to pretend its not down there. Occasionally seeing students eyes staring at my stomach, and it breaks the spell.

Still have moments of: Ok, I changed my mind. Force quit. But no. No turning back.

I am disoriented over the unoriginality of all this. How can it seem so completely strange and crazy, when over 40% of all humans do it. The two ends are as far apart as anything I can conceptualize.