abstract

9 months

The increasing size of my stomach has no relationship to the reality of whats about to happen. The wild baby movements are no less abstract. I am as likely to shrug when asked if I'm excited as 6 months ago. All I know for sure is I am excited to not be pregnant. I know what being not pregnant is like, its wonderful.  How can I know if I am excited for everything that comes next? I have no frame of reference. Comparisons to friends experiences are useless. I try to remember another time in life when the world turned upside down overnight. Nothing is upside down enough.

A week ago I had the feeling I had "made it." I decided I was done. I felt I had turned into a pregnant super hero, marching into client presentations at 9 months; running to catch a train; meeting friends for lunch; never having waddled..
Then somehow overnight, my attitude flipped. Breach. Even though my due date is a week away, I feel late. Overdue. Fooled by a string on confusing false alarms. Feeling I failed to send myself into labor early, the kid still small enough to ease birth somewhat. Failing to instinctually assess my body and it's nonsense.